What am I wearing?

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Big Girl Pants are defined as: pants you wear when you know you need to step up. Something you are called to do, the right thing no matter how hard it is to do it. Often it is related to listening and obeying the Holy Spirit. (These pants have NOTHING to do with weight and/or age.)

Earlier this week I had to put on my Big Girl Pants, something that I know I need to do more often but is not something that I jump in head first to do. The main reason I do not long to zip up my Big Girl Pants is because it means the Holy Spirit is working on something in me. He is convicting me and calling me to live in a righteous way. Now who would not want to live in accordance with the Holy Spirit?! I do, but repeatedly it means my sinful nature has won over my will to naturally do want I know I need to do. Yes, often when putting on my Big Girl Pants it is because, “I do the things I do not want to do and don’t do the thing I know I need to do.”

While the Spirit has been working on me to really see I needed to step up and put on my Big Girl Pants I came to a conclusion. One reason I do not love my Big Girl Pants is because they feel as if they were made out of wool! You know what I mean; it is that lovely article of clothing that is just itchy to wear because it is made from wool. You find yourself itching and moving often while in this garment. It just does not feel like your comfy yoga pants or worn in linen pants. While this analogy is true it is also convicting. Let me explore more…..

We daily live in our yoga or linen pants, daily we sin and break the heart of our Savior! So when it is made known to our continuous attention that we are in the wrong and need to make a change we put on the uncomfortable itchy wool pants. We then feel something outside of our norm. But in reality as Christian Ladies we should be wearing our Big Girl Pants each and every day!

The Word calls us to live in a way that is holy and upright, Micah 6:8. We are told to forgive as well as to go and seek forgiveness, Matthew 26:28 and Mark 11:25. But somehow this is not what we do first. Our sinful nature is comfortable with holding on to things and making excuses for why “we” do not need to go and ask for forgiveness. Hence why we are so comfortable in our yoga pants rather than our Big Girl Pants.

Trust me…. my sinful nature would be happy as a clam to forever stay in my yoga pants and to not have to feel the discomfort of my wooly Big Girl Pants. But God is working in me. He is showing me that I need to wear my Big Girl Pants every day. No matter how hard it is I need to be willing to zip up my Big Girl Pants every day. The hope and prayer is that God will give me the grace and strength to not just say it but to DO IT! The strange thing is God is telling me over time that these itchy wooly pants will become comfortable! Living in accordance with His Word, 2 Timothy 3:16-17, does wonders in our lives and that is what makes these irritating difficult pants worth wearing!

I am who I am and I do what I do because...

From and early age I would hear things like….”You are one of kind Sunshine.” “You are special.” “No matter if you have a learning disability or not…you are smart.” “You are mine and you make me smile.” ‘You shine so bright.” 

A lot of the encouraging words I heard as a child came from this lovely lady!

How could anyone, hearing encouraging words like this see themselves as anything but one of a kind?! While hearing these amazing words I also learned how broken, sinful, greedy, selfish, and lost I really was. God did a miraculous thing in my heart when I was the age of 12. He showed me I needed Him more than anything else. With faith like a child I prayed for Jesus to save me. (He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed. 1 Peter 2:24.)

To this day, I can recall all the detail of the moment Christ was made the center of my life. Now, when this happened that did not mean my selfishness, greed, brokenness, sin, and or dyslexia went away, never to be see or heard of again. In fact the opposite happened! All the CRAP in me, yes I am a missionary I said crap, was magnified. The Holy Spirit pointed out everything with microscope precision. And no matter what I do or how hard I try…until I reach Heaven’s joys, bright heaven’s son, I will not be fully Christ-like.  

Now here is the kicker. Knowing of all this I stand scratching my head. God in His infinite wisdom is using me in Africa, when He could fully well do it all on His own. Heavenly Father, Creator of Heaven and Earth, Yahweh, the great I Am is using me. He is using sinful, greedy, selfish, prideful, tattooed, and broken ME! 

 

 

“Holy Crap…why on earth,” is what I daily ask. And every day this is the answer I get…

Cassandra, you don’t have to know. It is ok if you do not see it. You just have to trust, trust in me. I know what I am doing, so you do not have to. You just need to walk by faith and not by sight, as hard as it may be. You have to know I made you just the way you are and I made you this way for a reason. Just because some one else does not see it, or get it does not mean there is no value. So, can you trust? Can you let go and daily do what I set before you? Everyday can you love and support the people I place into your life, no matter how long they are there for?  Daughter that is all I am asking you do because I am doing the rest for you. –Abba

So until the day I take my last breath and see my savior face to face, I will be who He made me to be and I will do what He is asking of me. For He has done so much more in order to call me daughter. (I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Psalm 139:14)

Learning to love who I am and how Christ made me

Faces I have missed...

Hard to believe it has been one month, one month back in the great state of California. 

God is so good. He knows me more than I ever could and speaks to me in ways that just touch my soul! Over the last month there have been countless moments of sweet reunions. There have also been moments of pure and utter laughter! You know, the kind that makes you cry and almost pee your paints.....yes there has been much of that.


Thank you for all your prayers as I did make the transition to the States from Uganda. I will be honesty and I am not 100% comfortable here but it is blessed time. Learning and growing, trusting and surrendering.

Here are just some of the faces I have missed but are apart of my daily life for the next two months. I am one blessed girl!

Keri and I enjoying chatting, sunshine, and good friends!

Erik and I goofing off at my Birthday Party!

Jaylee Ann ready to take a ride with Auntie Cass

Beth and Erik making me laugh!

10 More Days...

A face I will miss!

Sweet little WOO HOO man!

In just 10 days I will be landing in California. It is so hard to believe that almost 2 years has gone by. As the anticipation of 3 months at home becomes a reality I can not help but think of all the people I have missed. At the same time I am started to see how much I will miss Uganda, even more my Ugandan family. Oh, the life the Lord as called me to. A life of joy because of all the relationships I am blessed to have.

No matter what side of the world I am on, the Lord had given me people to call family. My Ugandan family is so sad to see me head to the States.  They are constantly asking if  I will be coming back. Just today I told a friend I was leaving in 10 days and she said "No! Three months is too long. You must come back before that!" Just as sad as my family on this side of the world is, the family on the other side is very excited. While SKYPEing with my sweet little man, I informed him it was just 12 more days and his reply was "Oh Yeah?! WOOO HOOO!"

As you could image my emotions are all mixed up at the moment. Should I feel sad? Do I feel happy?! All I know is in 10 days I say goodbye to sweet sweet friends, the part of being a missionary I will never be use to. But, in just 24 hours after these goodbyes I will be saying HELLO to people I have missed like crazy.  And in May the process will start all over again! So I am giving it to the Lord. Asking Him to allow me to feel what I need to feel while giving me peace and joy. All the while praying I do not look like a hot mess of emotions!

Being a Very OPEN Book...

For those who know me well....I do not have poker face nor hide my feelings well. So it would be no surprise that I am willing to open up about how I am feeling, how I am really feeling.

In just 24 days I land back in the States! First time coming back, I am over the moon but I am also so scared! Really think about it with me for a moment....

My home is third world country. The last year 1/2 have been so trying, growing, powerful, and amazing but with ever lesson learned I have become more African in my way of thinking. English is just one of the language I speak on a daily bases. Death, HIV/AIDS, poverty, and spiritual darkness are now realities for me. Options are also very limited and at times nonresistant.

In a nutshell my life has changed! While my life has changed, life for my loved ones back "home" has moved forward. Some people are married, babies have been born, new homes have been moved into, and so much more. I love them and they love me, but our lives are so different. I know things are going to be different, and expecting things will be different.  I pray that God will help my heart be ready for all the change I will face.

I am praying for this change but also for the fact I will be back in the "Land of Plenty."As much as I am wanting to go into Target and stock up on things, I know will be overwhelmed! There will be countless times I have breakdowns, meltdowns, and feel like I do not belong. All of this is known....but not yet where I am.

The more I think about the joys of home assignment, the fears in me also come out. Today after reading a wonderful article (A Great Read For all Friends and Family of Missionaries!) about missionaries heading on furlough my face must have been very cold. My dear friend Godfrey came into my office and asked "Sister, where is your smile?!" That is when it hit me... these days I am a ball of emotions for the world to see! I told him "I am trying to find it. Really I am!" He laughed and said it is there and that I just need to trust in the Lord.

Oh God, thank you for using people to remind me that all I need to do is trust in you. Yes,  I am so excited to go "home" but also afraid. So scared I will not fit in and understand things around me. Help my spirit to let all this fear go. Open my eyes to your faithfulness! This time at home is not for me. It is for you to get the glory for all you are doing here in Africa! You are using me to share all you are doing and at the same time you are blessing me with time to connect with family, friends, and supporter. Thank you for that. Help me finish well these next few weeks before I head to the States! -Amen

 

Where I Belong!

This afternoon, while driving home, Amanda and I listened to Building 429 "Where I Belong." I had goosebumps! What a reminder that we are not called to comfortable here on this earth.

 All I know is I'm not home yet
This is not where I belong
Take this world and give me Jesus
This is not where I belong

Later in the evening I was on FaceBook, yes this missionary is on FB :) There was a post from a friend who is also here in Uganda. She is homeschooling 8 missionary kids! The post was a Francis Chan video. Again it was a reminder about how important it is to NOT live for this world. Just a small part of our existence is here on earth, the rest of eternity is awaiting us! Hope it put things into perspective for you as it did me! Francis Chan Rope Illustration

I may be out here in Africa living what the Lord has called me to do, for now. Both the song and video hit me....I am now in the Lord's will but I have to daily make sure I am walking where He wants me. Daily I need to do what He is asking me to do! For now it is Africa and what I am doing here has eternal value. It all comes down to just one thing......not regretting! He calls, I go.Whenever and where ever!

Lord, help me see that life here is short. There is so much more ahead. Help my selfish will be laid to rest so I can take up my cross and follow you. May my mind be set on eternal things and not the here and now. -Amen

Fast Update

 Many of you know I set out to do a 30 fast. Well I made it 10 days...10 out of 30 ain't bad, right?!

Let me explain. The first three days were very hard. The no coffee was a killer. Mornings were not good nor was I pretty. By day four I was feeling better but very weak. On day five I was feeling the better. By this time some hope was shining, making me think I could make it to day30.

After having a few low days, days 6-8, I listened to some really wise people. They pointed out it was my first fast..and 30days might be a little ambitious. They suggested I think about 10 or 15 days to start off with. After that I will be able to go a little longer next time and eventually work up to 30days.  Part of me was upset at the fact I was struggling so much while the other part wanted to end the fast that day!

Over the next day, day8, I  really prayed about ending before 30days and I felt peace about it. So I pushed through the next two days and finished as strong as I could!

It is strange to think of how much I learned about myself in 10days. Really I learned a lot. Saw some things that were not pretty but now I know about them so I can work on it. The growing process is not over, it will never be over.

For those of you who prayed for me, THANK YOU. It was need and felt. If the Lord ever asks you to do a crazy thing like a fast let me know. I would love to pray for you!

10 Things I learned about myself while on the 10Day Fast:
1. My flesh is selfish!

2. Often food is used as a filler (when I am sad, stressed, tired an so on) for me.

3. I can live without coffee (I do not like it but I can).

4. I do not pray as much as I would like to think I do.

5. There is a need to dig more into the Word daily.

6. God is slow to anger and quick to love, I need to be more like that.

7. Heath goes beyond food.

8. Others are often used to help us grow, we need to be open to listening to them.

9. I often wait to hear from God in big ways while missing the small ways He speaks to me.

10. God is so good and big! I often lose sight of that!

Oh, what a shortbread cookie can do!!

That saying "The Lord works in mysterious ways, " could not be more true! I just got a call from a missionary friend working in the the North part of Uganda. She just had received a small care-package I sent to her via another missionary. 

She called with an excited voice, it brought a smile to my face! She proceeded to tell me how thankful she was for the care-package. The other day she noted she was walking around the house looking for something small to eat. She was craving some British Short-Bread cookies, which I just so happen to have picked up in town for her package. Her voice was so joyful as she told me how much the little gift meant to her. As I listened to her I could not feel that the Lord used me to bless her. He had me go into the right shop, walk down the right allies,  and pick the right cookies.

Really think about it. I know her but we had not spoken in weeks. I was clueless she was craving short-bread. Also I was so unaware you could even get them here in Kampala, but the Lord knew! This small event has made me stop and think. How many times does the Lord use me or uses others and we are unaware of how we are being used.   It just is a testament to how He knows best, His timing is perfect, and what great things happen when we obey Him! So from now on I pray to be better at being open to the Spirit! If He moves I will go, if He prompts I will respond, and so on.

Lord use me! Even in little ways. When you do something it is not for nothing. Help me see how every little thing plays a part in your master plan. Soften my heart so I can hear your Spirit better! -Amen

The View As I See It...

As I type there are three little girls asleep in my guest room. We shared a night full of fun, movies, nail painting, pizza, giggles, stories, and more! They are here growing up in Africa. Each day they learn more about this world we live in, as well as how the Lord has called us into it to help others come to know Him.

As I sit in my candle lite room I can not help but think. What will these girls grow up to be?! The Lord has a great plan in store for them. They have hopes and dreams. Who knows....maybe one will be first woman president.

While I think about them and what the years to come look like, I am excited, but also sad. I love kids (if you did not know that already). Something inside of me looks at the view as I see it and is over come with mixed emotion. God has called me to Africa. He has blessed me. Each day He shows me where He wants me. Today He wants me with these sweet girls. But there is a hole in my heart. I long for little ones of mine own (not only biologically but through adoption as well). As I have a ball with every child the Lord passes in my path with I wonder.  Will ever have children of my own?

Maybe a family is not what God has for me. If so, that is something I will have to come to terms with. Only He knows what is down this crazy road called life. So from where I sit there is joy paired with longing. I will do my best to give it to the Lord. Fully lay this desire down at His feet and TRUST. So much easier said than done. I will hold on to the truth I know: 

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6

I trust in you;
    do not let me be put to shame,
    nor let my enemies triumph over me. 
 No one who hopes in you
    will ever be put to shame,
but shame will come on those
    who are treacherous without cause.

 Show me your ways, Lord,
    teach me your paths. Psalm 25:2-4

New Year and New You?

You know that saying you always hear at the New Year?! "Here is to a New Year and a new you!" Well this New Years was the first time I really thought about it. I am all for the new year part....change is the only thing that is consent. But the new you part made me a little uneasy.

We all want to be the best we can be......the person God created us to be. He has great plans for us.

¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. Jeremiah 29:11-12

We are each created to play a role is His symphony that tells the world of His great love for us. So when someone says "here is to a new you" my spirit cringes! I do not want to be a new me where the change starts with me!

Really! Think about it. If I was the person I wanted to be I would not be who the Lord created me to be! My natural self is selfish, greedy, stubborn, ugly, impatience,  you all know I could go on! So with all these sinful traits why would I not want more of the Lord?!

³ Not only so, but we^[a] also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; ⁴ perseverance, character; and character, hope. ⁵ And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

⁶ You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. 

Romans 5:3-6

So this year I am asking the Lord for a new me, one that is of His design. For the next month I will be letting go of things and clinging more to the Lord. Giving up all processed foods, gluten, dairy, sugar, and more unnatural products that I so often put in my body. Giving up to replace what has been missing! Fruit and veggies will be the main staple of my diet for the next 31 days. 

Now, I am not naive. It will be hard! Very hard. But a wise friend has encouraged me to pray, A LOT! So is just what I am going to do. There are many things I could pray for. What the Lord has touched my heart to pray on the ministry He has called me to, Central Region Short-Term. 

⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. -Philippians 4:6-7

The Lord is doing a lot in our Short-Term missionaries, the countries and areas they are working in, in the people they are ministering to, and in me.       

  

²⁰ “My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, ²¹ that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. John 17:20-21

The next month will be a wild ride! So excited to see what the Lord does. There will be change, for the better! I would love your prayers during this time, I am sure it will not be pretty for the first few days! 

Quotes, Thoughts, and Christmas

So I am not 100% me, still fighting the "flu" and spending a lot of time on the couch and in my bed. While I was resting on the couch today....with my first cup of coffee in three days (how did I live without it?!) I watched a documentary.  Little known Cassandra Fact, I LOVE documentaries!!!

It is in-tiled "Beware of Christians." There are many parts of the film that are the stereo-topical "college guy" adventures and behaviors. But if you wad through it you might be surprised, as I was, at the though provoking questions they ask about Christians and issues surrounding Christianity.

 To be honest there were points my soul and spirit were convicted. Yes, me the "perfect" christian. The one who lives for the Lord on the mission field each and every day. (if you do not know me well I was being sarcastic!) Some of the quotes that made me stop and think are listed below.....I would love to know if they make you stop and think as well. (it would be nice to know I am not the only one who doesn't have it all together)

Quote 1: " You know when you grow up in church, you always hear be wear of drugs, sex, and alcohol. We point our fingers at all these different things, maybe we should be pointing the finger back at ourselves. Maybe we should say beware of Christians! Beware of people like us, who know how to say all the right things but who have a really tough time giving their WHOLE lives to God."

Quote 2: "It really doesn't cost anything to know how you are spouse to live or talk about it, it costs a lot to actually do it!"

Quote 3: "The more I try to glorify God, with my life, the more I realize how much I SUCK at it! But, at the same time it shows me how much God had to LOVE me to send His son to die FOR me!"

All three quotes made me stop and think, deeply, about who I am and how my life reflects the the Gospel. But more over number three just hits me in the heart at this time of year. In just a few days we all will be celebrating the day our savoir was born. God in human form birthed in a stinky, dirty, and cold manger! The son of God who would die for all mankind. The lover of my soul!

 There is nothing I can say or do to repay the Lord for what He did for me, nor can you. But as I think about all my FAILED attempts to glorify Him, I just see how much He picks up my slack. No matter how many times I fall on my face He is right there. Every time I lose my cool and let my sinful nature get the best of me He forgives me. When my heart is in shattered on the floor and tears are flowing down He is holding me tight. Why? Why would the God of all creation do that? How could a sinless man take my place?

The only thing I can think of is He LOVES me. Something I will be thankful for and wonder about till I see Him face to face.

God's glory & Pizza

(So sorry it has been to long. Lots to catch you all up on, but one story at a time.)

Tonight I had a great reminder of why I am here. After hanging out at the pool for the afternoon a short-term missionary came over for dinner. This girl is amazing!

While we made pizzas we chatted. She opened up about the joys and pains of ministry. We talked about how difficult it can be to be an outsider; as much as missionaries can become a part of their community they will never be native. Often this is very hard on people who come to share the love of Christ.

With pizza in the oven we just stood in my kitchen, chatting. I saw her heart. The warmth, the love, and the passion from shining through this missionary were so meaningful. While I identified with her struggles I also saw the hope in her. Things will not change over night, she may never see change while here in Africa, but it is coming!

The Lord works in ways that are beyond us. I cannot wait for the day I get to ask Him so many questions, face to face! For the time He has me here on earth and in Africa I am grateful for evening like this, thankful for a chance to see Him at work, in and through others, all for His glory! It is even better when food is involved! Don’t you agree?!

To the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore! Amen. -Jude 1:25

For the LOVE of the doughnuts!!!

"For the LOVE of doughnuts!" This is a saying I often say. Well, today I am yelling it (in my head not out loud.....I am not alone in my house to do so.)!

Can't hide the feelings. There is no way to sugar coat the truth. Today I feel like I want to go "home," where ever that might be.

Our God is so big....but right now I am feeling like things are falling apart. He is a god of details, never forgetting to dot an i or cross a t. The role I work in, here on the field, is one of planing. If you know me at all......that is right up my allies! I love details. But today, everything feels like it is in pieces on the floor. And for now I am more than ok with that. (Ask I type this I can hear my sweet grandmother say, "That is how the cookie crumbles!" How true that statement is today!)

Really. I will not but on a fake smile and try to pick all up all the pieces. It is hard to believe it right now, but I know it is true, in His timing all of it will all work out. Not only will it work out but it will be His will and not my messed up one! For now I just pray I am able to love like He is asking me to and in all things give Him the glory that is due.

Not going to lie.....a box of these would be AH-mazing right now!

"For the LOVE of doughnuts God, I do not know what to do! You are the One with the best plan so show me what it is. God, until it is all made clear will you help me be still and know you are God? Would you please hold me in your arms and love on me, for today I feel I need it. You are good....I ask for you to show me each and every day something that helps me see just how GOOD you are. Too often my eyes fall away from you. If needed super glue them on you! Thanks for loving me, yes the broken, lost and tired me. -Amen"

Is There Growth?!

So today I think I hit a wall. Not literally but defiantly mentally.

Today I sat with my field supervisor. We looked at my role, how the Short-Term Program is designed, how to implement what I feel called to do, and so much more. It took most of the day (yeah no joke I felt like my head would fall off). After this helpful but long and hard meeting I met with a Team Leader. She was so lovely....but my mind was on over load. Hope what came out of my mouth was cohesive, but truth be told, I am not sure I knew my own name at that point.  

With everything done and even more lists for tomorrow on my desk, I head to the store. Everything in me wanted to just head home but I couldn't. Needed food, air time (phone credit), and petrol for my beast of car.   So, with as much of a smile I could muster up I headed in the store. Got what I needed. Stood in the long lines to check out, guess others were in the same boat I was. I was next in line and this lady with two things came in front of me. I looked at her and she kept moving forward.

Ok, truth time. Inside I was pissed. Ready to tell her I was next and she was more than welcome to go after me, seeing that was her place in line anyways. Mentally I said a prayer it went something like this..."Lord I hope the clerk tells her "no" so I can go. I mean, why can she cut in front of me? We all have to wait our turn. It is what is nice and kind. So help me out here!"(Now reading that.... sounds selfish I know!)

Thankfully I was so tired and out of it I did not say anything (Trust me I could have gone all American on her if I wanted to.) I paid for my things and walked to my car. While I was driving to get petrol I saw all the faces of the workers I knew from the store came to mind. Every time I walk in I greet them, chat for a bit, and thank them for all that they do. (You could say I was thinking I was a good person at this moment in time.)

As I thought about the workers I knew, while getting petrol, I thought again of the thoughts I had in line. They were not of the Spirit. The fruits of the spirit  were NOT shining through me. That started more thinking.....yeah, I too am so lost on how I have any mind power left.

Have I grown at all? Do others see the Lord when they look at me? Do I leave the fragrance of the Lord every where I go? I pray so, but some days I  am not so sure.

Thanks Lord. Thank you for loving me even on my awful no good days. When I see a mess you see your daughter. It is so comforting to know how You hold me in Your hands when I through mine up in the air! Please work in me...for you know how much further I have to go. Amen.

Lessons in Womanhood

This weekend I took some time to work on my  home. It is not crumbling but somethings needed TLC.

The hot item on the to-do-list was change water filter. H2O is so important out here and  I somehow missed the note the filter needed to be changed every 6 months....mine was 12 months old. Oops!

While cleaning and changing my filter I listen to a podcast. It was in-tilted Womanhood. When I pushed play I thought it was going to be all about how women are equal but have to submit.......blah blah blah. To my surprise it was amazing! The quote that grabbed my full attention was "The battle of the sexes did not start in the 60's. It started in the garden."

WOW! Ok, I was listing now! For 40min I learned more about my natural nature...the one that craves to live in harmony, before sin hi-jacked the harmony God He created between man and woman. Harmony that was built on love and respect. This truth fit in so well to what God has been teaching me....yeah I know I thought I was done learning to, guess I was wrong. ;)

Over the last few months the Lord has been showing me what I thought...about life and marriage was way off base! The line "your life will start when you get married," is false. God has things for me to do now, things I need to do as a single lady. He is not holding back "my happy ever after" because I do not trust Him enough, or because my standers are to high. It is because He has things to do in me and through me in the mean time. He also has been trying to get the understanding of Biblical womanhood through my very thick scull!

A book I am reading has shown me how much the world has jacked up (sorry for the language) what is means to be a woman. The book is rooted in God's truth, something that is so powerful. This power is something I am now learning first hand. Reading this book, studying God's word on the topic, and fully letting things go has become so freeing. Freeing from the lies of this world.

It may be hard to see or believe but this world has turned the idea of womanhood upside down. And while it was being turned upside down, the enemy blinded the church to what he was doing. If people asked the Lord to give them His eyes, we would see how off the mark even the church is on Womanhood.

There were many moments over the last few months I was kicking at screaming at the Lord. Me submitting?! Are you nuts Lord? Something in me, yes yes I know it is my sinful nature,  loves being a woman who can speak her mind. Maybe that is my California up bringing.

Ladies you all know what I am talking about. You feel it too. The verse that talk about how we are to submit, be under your husbands, or in my case father's authority. Your skin just crawls, your heart starts to beat faster, and you feel like showing the world how strong you are on your own.

Well, I know that feeling all to well. It is something that the Lord has been trying change in me. Something I was blind to . Something the world told me I did not need to learn, and I bought into it. God has been so loving with me. So loving He brought me to Africa to teach me who He created me to be. Created me to be a lovely lady with His understanding of womanhood.

Now trust me, I am not prefect and still have many miles to go. But the biggest battle has been own, God has shown me that when I bend  my sinful will to His concept of womanhood, peace like a river invades my soul!! So, I bend my will to His and learn a little bit more about myself and what it means to be a woman of God each day. I pray you do the same. And I pray the lies of the enemy lose their power over you through God's loving and powerful word.

Street Theology

Some Sundays are a coffee in bed with a podcast kinda days...a very restful Sabbath. This Sunday was one of those Sabbath days. The podcast came from Street Theology. Thanks to LeRoy and Carl it became a time full of thinking and those thoughts lead to much prayer!

I will not get into the reasons the podcast was a great food for thought but more so tell you how you can get their free podcasts.

Missionaries are always looking for ways to get free spiritual food. We all attend churches but there are times you are just in need of more spiritual feeding. While I was looking for more"free spiritual food" I stumbled across free podcasts on iTunes from Street Theology and Carl Medearis! Carl is the author of Speaking of Jesus the art of NOT-evangelism, the book I wrote about a few days ago.

Carl has much knowledge and experience of building relationships with Muslims. I live in a country where there are many Muslims, but that is not the only reason I find Carl's thoughts and teaching fascinating! (Even as I right this I can hear the call to prayer.)  He digs deep, he looks at how Jesus has the power to save but religion kills faith, and shows us how we often try to defend Christianity instead of speaking Jesus.  I can relate to this un-natural feeling of the need stand up for Christ but never speak His name for fear of offending.    

So I would encourage you....to get some good sound, FREE, spiritual food. If you have iTunes, long on and search for Carl Medearis. If you do not have iTunes or are a book person over audio, get this book, Speaking for Jesus. Please read and listen with open ears. You will be challenged in a good way, so open your heart to seek the truth in what he is saying and where you fit into it. Just know that Jesus has all power but some how in this day and age we have taken the power Christ has and given it to people and buildings....things that are powerless without the power of Jesus!

Carl Medearis
Street Theology

Have you ever had one of those days? A day when there was a song that just spoke to you. You could listen to it over and over again. The song was just want you needed at that moment in time. Well, today I had one of those days.

Little Lion Man by Mumford and Sons is the song (sorry for the *F bombs, but sometimes they are reality). There is something about this song just hits all the right nerves today. This song has sent me into a music coma for the last few hours.....ahhhhh how sweet is the sound!


Weep for yourself, my man,
You'll never be what is in your heart
Weep Little Lion Man,
You're not as brave as you were at the start
Rate yourself and rake yourself,
Take all the courage you have left
Wasted on fixing all the problems
That you made in your own head

But it was not your fault but mine
And it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
Didn't I, my dear?
Didn't I, my...

Tremble for yourself, my man,
You know that you have seen this all before
Tremble Little Lion Man,
You'll never settle any of your scores
Your grace is wasted in your face,
Your boldness stands alone among the wreck
Now learn from your mother or else spend your days Biting your own neck

But it was not your fault but mine
And it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
Didn't I, my dear? (x2)

Didn't I, my dear?

Ahhhhh......

But it was not your fault but mine
And it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
Didn't I, my dear? (x2)

Didn't I, my dear?

The Language of Love

We all have a part of us that craves love. Something inside of use that just wants someone in this is wide world to see us for who we are. Someone who then will deeply love us.

This makes so much sense to me knowing that I am created in the image of God and He desires us to LOVE Him. It is only natural for a part of us to want love, just like our created desires to love us and we love Him.

Tonight, I am sitting on my little balcony looking out over my community. It is amazing what you can see and hear while sitting up here. I can see little kids running around. A worker heads home with shoes in hand after a long day of house work. I can hear  a family laughing together. A mom is walking up and down the lane with her little one on her hip. The sound of the city passes us by while all of us enjoy this moment in our community.

While sitting here, the family I hear laughing makes me smile. It is a family of three sweet kids, a Ugandan mum, and a Chinese dad. To say the least, this is a mixed family. The mom speaks Luganda  fluently and dad's mother tongue is Chinese. Their children are running around playing, while speaking English. In this family, the image of the Father's love for all His children and the language of love is shown.

God made each person in the family. They all have a desire to be loved. To show love to one another they all speak English. They have one language that is spoken as a family. They all can express their love for each other in this language. This family is not perfect, no family is. But, the family has chosen to have a language they all know and can express their love for one another in.

Call me cheesy but, this is a lovely reminder of how the Father has a language of love for each of this children. He knows them all so well, knows how to speak to their hearts.  We are so blessed to have a heavenly Father that knows us this intimately. There are many days I do not see how much my Father loves me. I am to busy. Seeking love from those in this world. But all along He is steady. He is true. His love never fails. How humbling that is. 

But I trust in your unfailing love;
    my heart rejoices in your salvation.  I will sing the Lord’s praise,
    for he has been good to me. Psalm 13:5-6

Praying for you and your household

Over the last few months I have been posting many thoughts and ideas about home. What is a home? How a home is a place of ministry. How my home has become Uganda.

I guess the Lord has been teaching me what the true meaning of “home” is. It is not what I thought it was. Not something I saw modeled in the West. Nor a museum here people live. It is not noun but a verb.

While thinking about my thoughts on home I have been touched to pray for you all. Praying that God shows you the meaning of home. Asking Him to lead you into a place where you can enjoy your home but it does not rule over you (moorage, remodeling, re-financing). Praying it is a place where people come and are ministered to, encouraged, and blessed. May you and your household serve the Lord.

What My Little Eyes Have Seen...

Oh, the things I seen living here in Africa. Yesterday was like most days for me office, getting things done in town, emails, office prayer times, emails, and so on. But, there was something unique about yesterday…allow me to explain.

The day before I got a package ship, which meant I needed to go down to the post office. So I was up and out of my flat by 8am the next morning heading to town. As I was walking down the road to the boda stage and I was praying one of my boda friends was at the stage. When going to town I prefer to have the same guy take me and bring me home. While walking I could see a few guys at the stage, normally they race up the hill and meet me, but not this morning. So I kept walking and then I was greeted by a man’s voice behind me. He said, “Eh, we go?” I turned around and it was my boda friend! He had been driving back to the stage from the other side. With a smile I greeted him in Luganda and we were off. We chatted a bit heading into town. Talking to the guys is my daily 411. They know so much about what is going on in town and all over. They also help me with my Lugandan vocabulary and Ugandan cultural questions!

Once we got into town we waved in and out of traffic to the post office. We got here and he waited for me across the street for me. Now, getting a package is a big deal! The package slip will tell you if you need to get it at the upper office or lower office, this one said it was in the upper office. Most people hate the upper office. You have to pay more to get your package and the customs guys have to look through the box. If the objects in the box are more than $50 (stated on the customs form the sender fills out) you have to pay taxes on it. But….I have made friends in the upper office. They greet me and I greet them! So it never feels like a task going to see them in the office. So, I paid for my box and was told to have the customs guy look it over, just like always. But, as he pointed to the customs counter his face looked confused. There was NO one there. I asked when they normally come in. He looked at the clock and said “by now.” At this time it was 8:30am. I said I would wait for them. What else could I do? I could not take the box home without them looking at it and I did not want to give the box back and come later. So I waited and I waited. Then I waited some more! An hour passed and I went and chatted with my friend. Asking when they would come. I told them I had a meeting to get to on the other side of town. They assured me someone was coming. Welcome to Africa I told myself. No hurry. So I waited some more. Finally the boss came. He saw no one at the customs counter…..lets just say he was MAD. He told me he is calling them. My Luganda is not that good but I knew he was not happy and they were going to have a hard time when they got in by what he said and his tone. The person did come and quickly looked over my box, as the bossed looked on, and let me go. As I walked out I laughed. I was over an hour late for my meeting, my boda guy was waiting for me, and I still had to get out of town (there is always a lot of traffic in Kampala)!

Once I got to the street and hopped on the boda I told whole story to my friend. He was laughing. “Well, you know” is all he could give as an explanation. I too laughed and replied with “Yeah, I know.” We were close to the end of the city and closer to being home. Soon after a round a bout I saw a boda that looked like there was blood on it. I told myself no, there is no way it was. Well the closer we got the more I was sure it was. As I looked at it I saw a cow head. Just the head! Then as we passed the bloody boda I was saw it was a whole cow in a bag with the head on top! You cannot get more African than this I thought! The guy was propably taking it to his shop to sell. Meat out here is call neyoma. I pointed and told my driver “neyoma” and he laughed and said, “YES!”

Town was unusual that morning so when I got back to the office and thought it was going to be a little more normal….I should have known nothing is normal out here! In the afternoon I walked over to the AIM Inn on the same compound as the office and saw a puppy sitting there. I took a second look. It was the same one I saw the morning before while driving to the office. He was so small and was going to be knocked (hit) by a boda. I kept driving because I told myself I could not stop for every animal I saw….I would never get where I was going if I did. Well, some how this little guy found his way up the hill and on to our AIM compound. The Innkeepers were talking about what to do with him when the cook, a lovely Ugandan lady, said she would take it. She had a dog put it was killed. She then took it and gave it a bath. One bath was not enough. This little guy was covered in bugs and dirt! I watched. She so lovely heated the water, rubbed him, and set him in the sun.

Now, I know God has called me to do “missions work” out here. But every now and then it is a joy to just LIVE a day out here. Truly just live a day where you see, hear, and do things just like your neighbors. That is what yesterday was for me.