For those who know me well....I do not have poker face nor hide my feelings well. So it would be no surprise that I am willing to open up about how I am feeling, how I am really feeling.
In just 24 days I land back in the States! First time coming back, I am over the moon but I am also so scared! Really think about it with me for a moment....
My home is third world country. The last year 1/2 have been so trying, growing, powerful, and amazing but with ever lesson learned I have become more African in my way of thinking. English is just one of the language I speak on a daily bases. Death, HIV/AIDS, poverty, and spiritual darkness are now realities for me. Options are also very limited and at times nonresistant.
In a nutshell my life has changed! While my life has changed, life for my loved ones back "home" has moved forward. Some people are married, babies have been born, new homes have been moved into, and so much more. I love them and they love me, but our lives are so different. I know things are going to be different, and expecting things will be different. I pray that God will help my heart be ready for all the change I will face.
I am praying for this change but also for the fact I will be back in the "Land of Plenty."As much as I am wanting to go into Target and stock up on things, I know will be overwhelmed! There will be countless times I have breakdowns, meltdowns, and feel like I do not belong. All of this is known....but not yet where I am.
The more I think about the joys of home assignment, the fears in me also come out. Today after reading a wonderful article (A Great Read For all Friends and Family of Missionaries!) about missionaries heading on furlough my face must have been very cold. My dear friend Godfrey came into my office and asked "Sister, where is your smile?!" That is when it hit me... these days I am a ball of emotions for the world to see! I told him "I am trying to find it. Really I am!" He laughed and said it is there and that I just need to trust in the Lord.
Oh God, thank you for using people to remind me that all I need to do is trust in you. Yes, I am so excited to go "home" but also afraid. So scared I will not fit in and understand things around me. Help my spirit to let all this fear go. Open my eyes to your faithfulness! This time at home is not for me. It is for you to get the glory for all you are doing here in Africa! You are using me to share all you are doing and at the same time you are blessing me with time to connect with family, friends, and supporter. Thank you for that. Help me finish well these next few weeks before I head to the States! -Amen